INEVITABLE CHANGE

I feel not sharing this here, specially it's my first entry for 2017 but here it goes...


There's soo much changes in my church life this 2017. And last night was one of them. We had our last D12 meeting with Ate Tina before the turnover of dgroups. Starting today our dgroup will be handled by Ate Macey, one of our leaders in singles ministry. 


I feel like in deep sorrow (yes, ganyan ka-OA!haha) right now because I wasn't prepared for this - and never will. I tried to submit and not question God's plans for our dgroup but I can't help not to worry about it. I know I can submit to our new discipler's leadership, but there's so much buts at the back of my mind. I literally cried for this several days before. For 3 years and 4 months, Ate Tina was so intentional to me personally specially in my walk with God. And like I always tell God, He has given me His best discipler/servant He could offer to help me love, trust and serve Him more. I can say that she helped me grow 90% of where I am spiritually, all by the grace of God. 


I'm trying to understand God why this needs to happen. Kung kailan kaya ko na mag-express ng sarili ko sa dgroup. To be honest, it took me years to be open and express myself in our dgroup and it really makes me anxious that I need to deal with another set of people I'm not close with. I feel pressured as well that I need to project a leadership characteristic because I will be grouped with other CCF leaders. Of course it's just all in my mind but I can't help it! 


Earlier during our devotions, Ate Tina asked were there time/s we felt things were unfair to us. I wanted to share my thoughts about our situation. "Bakit parang kami lang yung nagiba ng discipler?", "Bakit yung iba hindi naman katulad ng situation namin?", "Bakit yung ibang dgroup sama-sama parin kahit may changes?". Selfish thoughts like that. I really wanted to share that but I don't want to set up a mood that night so I shared something else. And then as we closed in prayer, I tried very hard not to cry. I swear I gathered all my stregnths to stop myself! I hope they did not noticed that in my eyes. My thoughts were focused on asking God is this really the last time? Can we stop the time, Lord? Can You extend our time together as a group? Pwede bang next year nalang?


I couldn't process everything right now. Too much disorganized thoughts. Thoughts from the past and what's life ahead. Worries and discomforts. Then eventually, Ate May Anne and Ate Sassy will get married soon I will be left in singles ministry, panibagong pakikisama nanaman. I thought being the youngest was a good thing, but not in this area. Ugh! I hate me being pessimistic! 


I feel I have no one to talk to about my anxieties. I feel I lost my outlet group whom I can be myself and share things such these. All though I'm still with Ate May Anne and Ate Sassy, but I think they also feel the same way also. Siguro ako lang yung pinaka malungkot and ayaw sa situation. I just don't want them to know. And I don't want to burden Ate Tina and Ate Macey about this. I'm not sure if I will be as excited as I was during our D12. Can I brag that I completed out D12 attendance last year? Hahaha! I never want to miss a meeting with my Ates. Because with them, I feel being me. I can share my ugly thoughts and bad habbits without being scared to be judged. I can cry. I can be honest when I feel frustrated whenever I feel God is being silent with my prayers. I also feel blessed to be surrounded by matured people, not just in spiritual but in life. It made me look at the things differently as an adult. 



As the verse from Ecclesiastes said, there are times for everything. And this time God wants me to stop holding on too much on my discipler because God will now use her for another purpose. She will be needed for a better purpose for other people. I don't deserve to be discipled by someone like Ate but God is so gracious He gives you people who will be patient with you.


I know we will learn alot from Ate Macey. She's also a woman of God. I'm sure she'll be able to disciple us as Ate Tina did. To be very honest I feel intimidated by her presence. I've got the chance to bond with her several times before and she's super nice but she looks strict kasi so I don't know what to expect on our future meetings.hahaha!


I couldn't thank God enough for giving us Ate as our discipler for a couple of years. The Lord knows how much I am thankful for sharing her life to us. If there are things in my spiritual life I can brag about, and one of it was that God has given me a kind, loving, humble, intentional, selfless, beautiful inside out kind of discipler everyone couldn't have. Even her flaws are still a blessing to us because we still learn from it. And  as much as I want to share my life and growth to our dgroup, I know it's already time for our dgroup to set apart. I'm sure Ate will contribute more on people whom God assigned her just like how she contributed to our lives. She is now tasked for a higher calling and I'm pretty confident she'll do her best. It's not as if we won't be seeing each other in church, I'm just being too emotional and OA.hahaha! 


I don't know what to expect on this new chapter in my spiritual life. I just want to start trusting God with this changes and stop worrying on the things that doesn't exist yet. As one of our pastors said, "When God makes you grow, you have to be ready na masaktan". I know God is only stretching me this season and He wants me to get out of my comfort zone. Maybe I was too comfortable with my walk with Him last year and He wants to show marvelous things that could happen despite the pain of this so called change. He just wants me to surrender and trust what He is doing. I want to apply what Ate Tina thought me when she was still my discipler. To willingly submit to God even if things are not comfortable for me. I know I can get over this season soon because my discipler and God thought me well! 


I don't know why but I'm still praying that things will get back eventually to the way it was. Ang kulit ko, sabi ko magsusubmit na ako kay Lord eh. Okay submit! 😅


IN ALL THINGS,
GOD SHOULD ALWAYS BE GLORIFIED!

RANDOM FARTS:
Upcoming B1G Retreat

It's only few days from now 'til our singles retreat. It's going to be my second time attending a retreat and this time it'll be hosted by CCF main. I'm looking forward of the things I will learn from the experience. Last year was my first. I was also a group leader for the attendees and I don't even had an idea of a retreat. I was nervous but praise God I overcome it. When it really comes to Gof's calling, you'll always do things you thought you'd never do. And I praise God for that! :)


This time, hayahay ako! No pressure. I'll just enjoy everything. All though I haven't told my parents that I'll be gone for the weekends. I'm not expecting anything yet. I'm actually worrying of how to pay for the retreat fee 'coz it's a little bit pricey. The more I keep on thinking of ways to save money, the more I stress myself. So I decided to give my financial struggles to God. It's His problem not mine, anyway. He allowed me to attend the retreat, He'll provide for my fees. Okay I sounded arrogant against God here, all I just want to say is I am confident He will provide for me. I guess it's the best part of having a relationship and trust with God, you can always hand Him over your problems and let Him do the works. And He only requires is your surrendered heart. 



I was also thinking of what things to pack. We'll be staying for 3 days there and haven't prepared myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually yet. Maybe because of things I have to do for work and gifts that I will ship for Amithitay. I had christimas shopping bonding with Mommy last friday. It was fun and frustratinf (financially). It's always the best feeling to go shopping with your mom, but never when you're the one paying for it. But still fun! And then we had a little coffee time and catch up while we wait for Daddy to pick us from the mall. 


There! Just a little catch up with life. Also busy working for a show in Las Vegas these past few days as my pasrt time projects and steady lang on my regular job. I feel overwhelmed with God. What did I do to deserve jobs like these 😊. All that matter is what what He can do with my life rather than what I can do. Al the praises and the glory to Him alone ☝

See ya when I get back from retreat! I'll be back with a transformed heart for God. Cheeeha!!



IN ALL THINGS,
GOD SHOULD ALWAYS BE GLORIFIED!

What do you think you're doing here???

RANDOM FARTS:
Surrendered Isaac

Finally I was able to be honest, share and breathe out everything I felt all these years to someone I feel in debt to. Still got a lot of unsaid thoughts, but I think everything is enough. Felt a real relief after that. Thank you for the opportunity, Jesus. 

Let's have a good life, friend!


IN ALL THINGS, 
GOD SHOULD ALWAYS BE GLORIFIED!

TO MY 1 CORINTHIANS 13

I don't know what got into me again why I'm writing something about love. So let me address this blog to my God's Best. Maybe the reason is because I watched a video compilations of grooms' reaction the first time they saw their bride on their wedding. 


 I'm 24 now and I still haven't met you yet. I'm not in a rush tho, I still have a lot of goals for my family and myself that I want to accomplish with myself and God.  I just want you to know that I am consistently praying for you! I always tell my friends that I want you to be a pastor. And if it is God's desire for you to be a shepered of men, it'll be extra special. Although I myself know that I don't deserve to be a pastor's wife. I always imagine if you're discipling people now or you're still in the getting to know stage with the Lord. But either way, I pray that I may be a good helper to your walk with the Lord someday.

Whenever something happened to me or I discovered new about the Lord, I always thought of you. I want to share to you how God worked in my life day by day. But I still have to wait for the day that God will make so we can share stories about His works in our lives. But don't worry, you won't miss something in my life because I regularly write letters for you. 

I can't wait for you to meet the special people in my life - my parents, my siblings, my dgroup sisters and most specially Amithi! Sometimes I randomly thought of having a happy date with you and her. We will spoill her and will get scold by my brother and Ate Maeh for giving her things that are not necessary. All my life I have dreamed of this but I could not see your face. I even have plans on how to say yes to you 😊

We will make our own version of Joy and Edric Mendoza, Feliz and JayJay Lucas, Rica and Joseph Bonifacio, and Ate Tina and Kuya Eric. These are some of the people that inspires me with their godly relationships. 

I pray that you will come from a family of believers of Christ. Because you know what scares me? Is that they may misinterpret or judge me that I converted you to other religion when Jesus never even created a religion. But if not, still okay because what will matter is our personal walk with God. We will both show our families how God loves them and so they may know Jesus Christ in a deeper way. Praying that someday, we'll worship the King of kings both with our families. And please don't worry about asking my parents' blessing and approval, worry about my Discipler... she has a very high standards when it comes to christian men. Lol. 

I wouldn't care if you'll be gwapo or not. All I care is your fats!hahaha. I like chubby guys so please don't skip meals! I could not get any fats for myself no matter how much foods (including junks) I intake. But I still hope you're gwapo but not a head-turner gwapo type. A gwapo who doesn't know how gwapo he is type of guy 😍

I know that the love that I will give to you in the future is the overflowing love that I received from God. I can only love and submit to you selflessly because I am loved by the Lord unconditionally.

I met other guys and they laid their intentions but they either fail to impress me nor they just confused my feeling *flips hair.haha!*. And if my feelings for someone confuses me, then I know he's not you. Because God is not the author of confusion, everything that comes from Him gives us peace and assurance in our hearts. 

My friends often told me to give my self a try. Entertain and have a relationship with guys. But don't worry I will never listen to them. By the grace of God, I promise to keep my standards high so I can be a woman you could be proud of someday (mejo low nga lang sa looks!hahaha!). I know  you will be worth the fear and I cannot wait to give you all the love I am saving. I reserve my self and my heart for you - although naunahan ka na ni God sakin haha! Christ is already more than enough for me. But the idea of having you and worshiping God together makes it more special.

I'm already in love with you. I don't know how it became possible but I sincerly am. Maybe we met before, maybe we'll meet again or maybe we haven't met at all. When it's already God's time, He will let us find each other. When we're the right persons. 


Love, your (trying-hard-to-be) Proverbs 31

TATATI IS SAD

I wrote this post days before Amithi and Ate Maeh left for Malaysia. I happen to forget to post it because of the time my work demanded me.

Tomorrow, October 15, will be Amithi's flight to be with her Daddy for good and her Tatati is very sad.  God, I don't think I will be able to finish this blogpost without shedding a tear!  God knows how much I genuinely love my niece. You can obviously see it on my Twitter and Instagram posts (haha!) - but there's so much more love that I feel for Amithitay. 

For the past 6 months she made me praise God even more every time I look at her and added enjoyment in my boring life. I always look after to the future because of her. I even thought of cancelling my plans to work abroad because I wanted to be with her as she grows. The more she gets older day by day, the more we discover things about her and it really made the whole family happy. 

I remember last week while I drive them to the hospital for her check up she's being madaldal and she said "Tatati", I was shocked and naluha ako. I felt like she was trying to call me in a malambing tone. I almost cried that moment but I handled my tears well because I don't want to be overdramatic and Ate Maeh's with us that time. 

I am a proud Tatati to this kid! I can brag everything about her.haha! Even at her youngest age, she thought me everything about life and spiritual (and even driving gently on the road.lol). 


It really hurts me that she's leaving tomorrow. I prayed to God if He can extend their stay here in the country but I can promptly surrender to His "No". All though it really is painful, I believe it's a great opportunity to praise God in times like this. It's very easy for us to praise the Lord when we are happy and comfortable. Now I want to practice praising God in my saddest moment. It's hard, but I think God is teaching me right now that if I can't praise Him with my lame sadness, I wouldn't be able to praise Him at my darkest. What I'm feeling right now is nothing compare to what others are suffering. So I want to choose to be more mature and not wallow into sadness. Perhaps, focusing on God gives me the assurance and relief. I should love God way more than anything else. I never thought that it'll be possible, but by the grace of God, I can now feel it. Not that I'm there already, but God is helping me love Him more than my family or anything important in my life. Everyday, He reveals Himself to me.

God plants you to somewhere He will make you bloom

It was our church satellite's 9th anniversary celebration last Sunday and some of my brethren from the single's ministry committed to be an usher for the event. At first it wasn't really my plan to volunteer because I had work on a saturday night with Pentatonix's show but I wanted to support Kuya Kent, since I can feel his struggle leading the ministry. I also invited Rap to volunteer so she can also meet our other brithers and sister in the ministry and praise God she accepted. 

Our call time was at 8:30am and it was a great struggle for me to get up since I came home from work around 1am. But I had no choice, more than my commitment to our church, I bid my "YES" to God. I arrived before the first service started and was greeted by Kuya Eric and Kuya Kent a good morning! I smiled while scratching my haid saying I was sorry for being late as always - ooh my body language!haha

Everything went well, we welcomed everyone coming in with a smile and a good morning. I was really tired but more satisfied that time. Felt like I was part of everyone's reason of a good sunday vibes by greeting and smiling at them first thing in the morning. Who wouldn't be put on a good mood when someone you don't even know greeted you on the first hour of your day? That time, I appreciated the ushering ministry in our church. It wasn't easy to greet people and extend your hands to shake their hands. Specially when they pass you by as if you're just a standee smiling. And I really feel blessed whenever the ushering ministry welcomes me during sunday services. 

Though I volunteered on church events for a couple of times before, God thought me a lot that day which I can apply in my daily life. It's super nice to see people smiling at you in a genuine way. It's true that there's no small jobs in God's kingdom. Everyone's part are important. 

I also felt blessed with Pastor Nett's message and Kuya Marjun and his wife's testimony. And also the cuties from Next Gen ministry's presentation!!! While watching them, I imagined Amithi singing for Jesus on during sundays when she gets a bit older. And that thought moved me and made my eyes teary. One of my auntie goals actually is to teach Amithi to sing for Jesus and mold her to trust her life to Him even at her young age. I know it'll be a bit hard to teach children to love Jesus because they don't even see Him. But I know Jesus has His ways to connect to children personally. So I'm reading blogs about christian moms and how they mold their children to follow Jesus at the young age. I really admire women like that. Geez, ang advance ko naman ata? Haha..

After the first service, we went to our welcoming spot again to welcome people who attended the second service. Then after our duties, we went to Rob Imus to grab some lunch. But of course, picturan muna!

Serving God costs us sacrifices. My brothers and sisters in Christ thought me to serve the Lord out of my comfort. I was a long time christian but I never felt the satisfaction of serving for God's kingdom since God led me to CCF. Before, I served God for the sake of serving Him, opportunity to bond with friend or because our Pastor told me so. But it is different when God stretched you out of what you thought you can only give. People who works in their comforts tends to claim the glory, because we naturally idolize our capabilities. God works in our lives when we know we can't do such things - that's when He can show His glory to us.

So I praise the Lord for planting me to CCF and introducing me to people who wants to work for Him intentionally. I desire to bloom where God has planted me. I don't plan to go back to my old self who was a half-hearted teen in service and christian pleaser. Thank you Lord for 9 years of His fiathfulness to CCF Imus. I praise You for the lives of people who helped me and will be helping me to anchor my life to you. To God all be the honor and Glory! 


IN ALL THINGS, 
GOD SHOULD ALWAYS BE GLORIFIED!