INEVITABLE CHANGE
I feel not sharing this here, specially it's my first entry for 2017 but here it goes...
There's soo much changes in my church life this 2017. And last night was one of them. We had our last D12 meeting with Ate Tina before the turnover of dgroups. Starting today our dgroup will be handled by Ate Macey, one of our leaders in singles ministry.
I feel like in deep sorrow (yes, ganyan ka-OA!haha) right now because I wasn't prepared for this - and never will. I tried to submit and not question God's plans for our dgroup but I can't help not to worry about it. I know I can submit to our new discipler's leadership, but there's so much buts at the back of my mind. I literally cried for this several days before. For 3 years and 4 months, Ate Tina was so intentional to me personally specially in my walk with God. And like I always tell God, He has given me His best discipler/servant He could offer to help me love, trust and serve Him more. I can say that she helped me grow 90% of where I am spiritually, all by the grace of God.
I'm trying to understand God why this needs to happen. Kung kailan kaya ko na mag-express ng sarili ko sa dgroup. To be honest, it took me years to be open and express myself in our dgroup and it really makes me anxious that I need to deal with another set of people I'm not close with. I feel pressured as well that I need to project a leadership characteristic because I will be grouped with other CCF leaders. Of course it's just all in my mind but I can't help it!
Earlier during our devotions, Ate Tina asked were there time/s we felt things were unfair to us. I wanted to share my thoughts about our situation. "Bakit parang kami lang yung nagiba ng discipler?", "Bakit yung iba hindi naman katulad ng situation namin?", "Bakit yung ibang dgroup sama-sama parin kahit may changes?". Selfish thoughts like that. I really wanted to share that but I don't want to set up a mood that night so I shared something else. And then as we closed in prayer, I tried very hard not to cry. I swear I gathered all my stregnths to stop myself! I hope they did not noticed that in my eyes. My thoughts were focused on asking God is this really the last time? Can we stop the time, Lord? Can You extend our time together as a group? Pwede bang next year nalang?
I couldn't process everything right now. Too much disorganized thoughts. Thoughts from the past and what's life ahead. Worries and discomforts. Then eventually, Ate May Anne and Ate Sassy will get married soon I will be left in singles ministry, panibagong pakikisama nanaman. I thought being the youngest was a good thing, but not in this area. Ugh! I hate me being pessimistic!
I feel I have no one to talk to about my anxieties. I feel I lost my outlet group whom I can be myself and share things such these. All though I'm still with Ate May Anne and Ate Sassy, but I think they also feel the same way also. Siguro ako lang yung pinaka malungkot and ayaw sa situation. I just don't want them to know. And I don't want to burden Ate Tina and Ate Macey about this. I'm not sure if I will be as excited as I was during our D12. Can I brag that I completed out D12 attendance last year? Hahaha! I never want to miss a meeting with my Ates. Because with them, I feel being me. I can share my ugly thoughts and bad habbits without being scared to be judged. I can cry. I can be honest when I feel frustrated whenever I feel God is being silent with my prayers. I also feel blessed to be surrounded by matured people, not just in spiritual but in life. It made me look at the things differently as an adult.
As the verse from Ecclesiastes said, there are times for everything. And this time God wants me to stop holding on too much on my discipler because God will now use her for another purpose. She will be needed for a better purpose for other people. I don't deserve to be discipled by someone like Ate but God is so gracious He gives you people who will be patient with you.
I know we will learn alot from Ate Macey. She's also a woman of God. I'm sure she'll be able to disciple us as Ate Tina did. To be very honest I feel intimidated by her presence. I've got the chance to bond with her several times before and she's super nice but she looks strict kasi so I don't know what to expect on our future meetings.hahaha!
I couldn't thank God enough for giving us Ate as our discipler for a couple of years. The Lord knows how much I am thankful for sharing her life to us. If there are things in my spiritual life I can brag about, and one of it was that God has given me a kind, loving, humble, intentional, selfless, beautiful inside out kind of discipler everyone couldn't have. Even her flaws are still a blessing to us because we still learn from it. And as much as I want to share my life and growth to our dgroup, I know it's already time for our dgroup to set apart. I'm sure Ate will contribute more on people whom God assigned her just like how she contributed to our lives. She is now tasked for a higher calling and I'm pretty confident she'll do her best. It's not as if we won't be seeing each other in church, I'm just being too emotional and OA.hahaha!
I don't know what to expect on this new chapter in my spiritual life. I just want to start trusting God with this changes and stop worrying on the things that doesn't exist yet. As one of our pastors said, "When God makes you grow, you have to be ready na masaktan". I know God is only stretching me this season and He wants me to get out of my comfort zone. Maybe I was too comfortable with my walk with Him last year and He wants to show marvelous things that could happen despite the pain of this so called change. He just wants me to surrender and trust what He is doing. I want to apply what Ate Tina thought me when she was still my discipler. To willingly submit to God even if things are not comfortable for me. I know I can get over this season soon because my discipler and God thought me well!
I don't know why but I'm still praying that things will get back eventually to the way it was. Ang kulit ko, sabi ko magsusubmit na ako kay Lord eh. Okay submit! 😅
IN ALL THINGS,
GOD SHOULD ALWAYS BE GLORIFIED!
There's soo much changes in my church life this 2017. And last night was one of them. We had our last D12 meeting with Ate Tina before the turnover of dgroups. Starting today our dgroup will be handled by Ate Macey, one of our leaders in singles ministry.
I feel like in deep sorrow (yes, ganyan ka-OA!haha) right now because I wasn't prepared for this - and never will. I tried to submit and not question God's plans for our dgroup but I can't help not to worry about it. I know I can submit to our new discipler's leadership, but there's so much buts at the back of my mind. I literally cried for this several days before. For 3 years and 4 months, Ate Tina was so intentional to me personally specially in my walk with God. And like I always tell God, He has given me His best discipler/servant He could offer to help me love, trust and serve Him more. I can say that she helped me grow 90% of where I am spiritually, all by the grace of God.
I'm trying to understand God why this needs to happen. Kung kailan kaya ko na mag-express ng sarili ko sa dgroup. To be honest, it took me years to be open and express myself in our dgroup and it really makes me anxious that I need to deal with another set of people I'm not close with. I feel pressured as well that I need to project a leadership characteristic because I will be grouped with other CCF leaders. Of course it's just all in my mind but I can't help it!
Earlier during our devotions, Ate Tina asked were there time/s we felt things were unfair to us. I wanted to share my thoughts about our situation. "Bakit parang kami lang yung nagiba ng discipler?", "Bakit yung iba hindi naman katulad ng situation namin?", "Bakit yung ibang dgroup sama-sama parin kahit may changes?". Selfish thoughts like that. I really wanted to share that but I don't want to set up a mood that night so I shared something else. And then as we closed in prayer, I tried very hard not to cry. I swear I gathered all my stregnths to stop myself! I hope they did not noticed that in my eyes. My thoughts were focused on asking God is this really the last time? Can we stop the time, Lord? Can You extend our time together as a group? Pwede bang next year nalang?
I couldn't process everything right now. Too much disorganized thoughts. Thoughts from the past and what's life ahead. Worries and discomforts. Then eventually, Ate May Anne and Ate Sassy will get married soon I will be left in singles ministry, panibagong pakikisama nanaman. I thought being the youngest was a good thing, but not in this area. Ugh! I hate me being pessimistic!
I feel I have no one to talk to about my anxieties. I feel I lost my outlet group whom I can be myself and share things such these. All though I'm still with Ate May Anne and Ate Sassy, but I think they also feel the same way also. Siguro ako lang yung pinaka malungkot and ayaw sa situation. I just don't want them to know. And I don't want to burden Ate Tina and Ate Macey about this. I'm not sure if I will be as excited as I was during our D12. Can I brag that I completed out D12 attendance last year? Hahaha! I never want to miss a meeting with my Ates. Because with them, I feel being me. I can share my ugly thoughts and bad habbits without being scared to be judged. I can cry. I can be honest when I feel frustrated whenever I feel God is being silent with my prayers. I also feel blessed to be surrounded by matured people, not just in spiritual but in life. It made me look at the things differently as an adult.
As the verse from Ecclesiastes said, there are times for everything. And this time God wants me to stop holding on too much on my discipler because God will now use her for another purpose. She will be needed for a better purpose for other people. I don't deserve to be discipled by someone like Ate but God is so gracious He gives you people who will be patient with you.
I know we will learn alot from Ate Macey. She's also a woman of God. I'm sure she'll be able to disciple us as Ate Tina did. To be very honest I feel intimidated by her presence. I've got the chance to bond with her several times before and she's super nice but she looks strict kasi so I don't know what to expect on our future meetings.hahaha!
I couldn't thank God enough for giving us Ate as our discipler for a couple of years. The Lord knows how much I am thankful for sharing her life to us. If there are things in my spiritual life I can brag about, and one of it was that God has given me a kind, loving, humble, intentional, selfless, beautiful inside out kind of discipler everyone couldn't have. Even her flaws are still a blessing to us because we still learn from it. And as much as I want to share my life and growth to our dgroup, I know it's already time for our dgroup to set apart. I'm sure Ate will contribute more on people whom God assigned her just like how she contributed to our lives. She is now tasked for a higher calling and I'm pretty confident she'll do her best. It's not as if we won't be seeing each other in church, I'm just being too emotional and OA.hahaha!
I don't know what to expect on this new chapter in my spiritual life. I just want to start trusting God with this changes and stop worrying on the things that doesn't exist yet. As one of our pastors said, "When God makes you grow, you have to be ready na masaktan". I know God is only stretching me this season and He wants me to get out of my comfort zone. Maybe I was too comfortable with my walk with Him last year and He wants to show marvelous things that could happen despite the pain of this so called change. He just wants me to surrender and trust what He is doing. I want to apply what Ate Tina thought me when she was still my discipler. To willingly submit to God even if things are not comfortable for me. I know I can get over this season soon because my discipler and God thought me well!
I don't know why but I'm still praying that things will get back eventually to the way it was. Ang kulit ko, sabi ko magsusubmit na ako kay Lord eh. Okay submit! 😅
IN ALL THINGS,
GOD SHOULD ALWAYS BE GLORIFIED!
